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Welcome to Nishi's Pitas Page, a web journal / blog which is part of A Dream I Dream.
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Nishi's A Dream I Dream, Nishi's Pitas and all images, html and layout (c) Nishi Rajan 1998-2006. Written content & images may not be taken without the written & signed consent of Nishi Rajan. |
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Nishi is an Indian American who is working as an attorney in Manhattan. She is also a singer and songwriter who just finished her demo cd and has begun performing throughout NYC. She dreams of bringing her songs to the world and moving people with her music. Nishi is passionate about foreign policy, international affairs and international human rights.
When she's not busy pursuing music, world peace, or working , you can find her gazing up at the stars or attending archaeological lectures (she's an astronomy and archaeology buff) and when all else fails, she relaxes with Japanese anime and manga. An avid shoujo anime/manga fan, she's a web designer who's designed over 20 domains. Her websites are listed below.
This journal has existed since 2000. It is a place for Nishi to vent, to share, and to catch up with friends. All readers are welcome to read this blog; however, Nishi is not responsible for minors or anyone else who reads this journal and gets offended by the writings and opinions here. If you don't like what you read, then leave.
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Name: Nishi
Where: New York
Faith: Christian
Sign: Aquarius
CH-S: Fire Dragon
AIM: SelenityHime
ICQ: 21380169
Email: be83398
The Story Thus Far . . .
Currently, I am working full-time as an Attorney in midtown Manhattan, New York City, New York and learning kickboxing and Kung Fu and middle-eastern bellydance, and
working on making a music career!
Jogging, Martial Arts Kickboxing, Dance - currently middle eastern dance & bellydance, Tennis, Singing (of course ;) and working on my songs, Reading & writing about all the things I am interested and passionate about, watching tv and movies, painting, drawing, astronomy, rollerblading (and trying to get better at it and ice skating!), obsessive anime and manga fan and professional web designing, ancient studies / ancient civilizations, history and archaeology, world mythology, politics and world affairs, international law, human rights, studying many languages (have studied and continue to study spanish, mandarin chinese, japanese and hindi).
1/1 - 2/21 |
3/5 - 3/30 |
3/31 - 4/18 | 4/19 - 5/10 | 5/13 - 6/22 | 6/22 - 7/29 |
| 7/30 - 9/13 | 9/14 - 10/11 | 10/12 - 11/12 |
11/13 - 12/18 |
12/19 - 2/5 |
2/6 - 3/17 |
3/17 - 4/21 |
4/24 - 6/19 | 6/20 - 8/4 |
8/6 - 9/14 | 9/16 - 11/3 | 11/4 - 12/31 | 1/17 - 5/3 | 5/6 - 7/22 | 7/25 - 10/30 | 10/31 - 12/28 | 1/5 - 4/14 | 4/24 - 9/8 |
Personality Quizzes I Made
The Royalty Quiz
The Woman of Beauty Quiz
Woman of Legend Quiz
Books / Stories
King Arthur and all things Arthurian, Merlin, light and dark; The Crystal Cave, The Dark is Rising series, most anything to do with magic, vampires, werewolves; anything fantasy and romance-like: EMMA, Jane Eyre, Phantom of the Opera, Count of Monte Cristo, The Cask of Amontillado; almost anything Shakespeare wrote; The Harry Potter series; my childhood stories - Sweet Valley High, Twins, Kids, Babysitters Club, Boxcar Children, Bobbsey Twins, RAMONA QUIMBY series; SHERLOCK HOLMES, NANCY DREW; all books dealing with things I love from art, mystery, religion, magic, mythical creatures such as "DA VINCI CODE" and "Interview with the Vampire"
Movies
Emma, Contact, Ever After, Farenheit 9/11, Bowling for Columbine, Legally Blonde 2, Princess Diaries, Sweet Home Alabama, Matrix: Reloaded, Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, Staw Wars: Episode II, TOMBRAIDER I & II
All-time TV Shows
Three's Company, The Nanny, Fresh Prince of Bel Air, FRIENDS, Relic Hunter, Buffy, Xena, Clarissa Explains it All, OUT OF THIS WORLD, Wings, Mad About You, Simpsons, Married with Children, Carol Burnette Show, Anamorphs, Punky Brewster, Smurfs, Rainbow Brite, and the list could go on forever ;)
Musicals
Phantom of the Opera, Les Miserables, WICKED
Favorite Drinks
In the summer: starbucks' iced caramel macchaito - decaf and nonfat; lychee, boba/bubble tea/pearl milk tea; thai iced tea; lipton lemon and raspberry iced tea
In the winter: hot chocolate and starbucks' white chocolate mocha non-fat
Fave Alcoholic Drinks
Margaritas, amaretto sours, singapore slings, rum & coke and white wine - pinot
Music to relax to:
The slow version of the sailormoon theme song, the theme for Phantom of the Opera, the theme by Mono from Great Expectations and theme from Romeo and Juliet....so many more.....I can't live w/o music.....
A Fan Of:
I'm more a Democrat so I'm a fan of Bill & Hillary Clinton, Madeline Albright, Margaret Thatcher, Lee Iaccoca
Movie Actresses
Drew Barrymore
Kirsten Dunst
Kate Hudson
Nicole Kidman
Demi Moore
Gwyneth Paltrow
Julia Roberts
Reese Witherspoon
Renee Zellweger
Movie Actors
George Clooney
Johnny Depp
Matthew Goode
Tom Hanks
Ashton Kutcher
Brad Pitt
Keanu Reeves
Adam Sandler
Robin Williams
Magazines etc.:
Vogue
Cosmopolitan
Jane
Shape
Fitness
Allure
Elle
Marie Claire
Archaeology
Mysteries
Foreign Affairs Journals
The Economist
Discover
Astronomy
Sky & Telescope
National Geographic
New York Times
Commondreams.org
In Style
US Weekly
PEOPLE
Reminders:
Salons in NY to try:
Buff Spa at Bergdorf Goodman: 754 5th Ave $$$
Tiffany Nails: 903 Madison $$
Soho Sanctuary: 119 Mercer $$
Maximus Spa - Massage: 15 Mercer $$
Just Calm Down: 32 W. 22nd $$ - get grape gatsby with Essie Bordeaux polish
Ajune Spa: 1294 Third Ave $$
Frederic Fekkai: 15 E. 57th - Mandarin Supreme Pedicure $$
Salons in L.A. to try:
Kathy's Nails: 7967 Melrose $
Salons in Paris:
Mr. Ho: 3 Rue Washington $$
La Bulle Kenzo: 1 rue du Pont Neuf $
Stuff in NY
Nobu - Sushi
TrapezeSchool.com
Things to Buy
HairArt's T3 tourmaline blow-dryer
Skin Ceuticals C + E Antioxidant Treatment $115 or
Renee Rouleau Vitamin C & E Complex $60
Neutrogena Active Breathable Sunblock SPF 30 $10
Whipped Shea Butter Body Cream
Nippits
Boot Shapers
Hollywood Fashion Tape
White Pearl Bra
Bubble Maker
Lilac Round Rug
Voting Related
Vote-Smart.org
Rock The Vote.com
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Tuesday, May 16, 2006
07:56 p.m.
Sarah Beth *HUG* you're one of my dearest friends :) sorry I haven't blogged - just been majorly busy. You coulda IMed me ya know ;)
Jade :) see above ;) Callie thanks for your concern but please chill ;) There are times I can go a week or more without blogging cause I'm VERY busy or just don't feel like blogging.
That said, no time to blog tonight but I'll post sometime this week or this weekend with all the details of the exciting things that've been happening to me :) There IS a reason I've been busy ;)
- Nishi
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
09:17 p.m.
it's 9:15 - he's on the east coast for the last night and he hasn't called me. i *am* his ex gf now so what did I expect? shouldn't have expected anything. *sigh*
I hurt my back yesterday coming back from court....tripped on the sidewalk - didn't fall or anything but I guess when I walked and caught myself I must've done something wrong to my back. Hurt awfully when I got back to work and it got progressively worse last night to this morning when I woke up and it hurt so much I couldn't sit up straight. Now after a lot of rest and a lot of Advil I feel better. It still hurts to sit but I think I'll be ok soon.
I'm supertired now. Sorry can't respond to msgs. *HUGS* to everyone. I'll respond tomorrow night when i feel better.
- Nishi
Monday, May 8, 2006
09:13 p.m.
I've finally
arrived
it took years
and many tears
but I've finally
made it.
I'm not talking about music.
No. Something more important.
What could be more important?
Myself. My spirit. My soul.
And I've finally arrived.
All those ordeals
all those tests
they were to forge me
into the woman I am.
Strong. Vibrant. A mighty pillar. A light.
I am peace.
I am wind. I am rain. I am the sun.
I am. I finally am.
Today, I was finally able to smile again from the inside. The pain over losing him no longer rules me. It's over. I know I will be sad again. But it holds no power over me. I realized my immeasurable worth today. And I am happy. Happy with myself. :) And that, my friends, is a truly amazing feeling. Do I still love him? Of course I do. With all my heart I do. And I always will. But I will not allow this pain to rule me. I will not allow his loss to sadden me anymore. I am strong. Beautiful. Amazing. If he no longer felt happy being with me, well that's sad, and it's hurt me greatly, but in the end, we all do what we must. I know how much he loved me, and how much it hurt him too. It brings tears to my eyes. But I finally accept - it's over. I'm moving on. I love you baby. Always and forever. Thank you. For everything.
- Nishi
Monday, May 8, 2006
08:05 p.m.
eating naan and drinking diet coke. Life is good. :)
- Nishi
Sunday, May 7, 2006
08:53 p.m.
saw Laura's Star at the Tribeca Film Fest this morning - I want to get it on dvd. was a beautiful movie. volunteering yesterday was a lot of fun and afterwards I enjoyed the street fair they had in Tribeca. Spent a lot of today walking around - this super sweet guy I sat next to at the screening this morning - turns out his wife works for Anhueiser Busch and he gave me his all-access pass!!! Level A which gets you in EVERYWHERE! I went to City Hall and the lounges - had a blast! :) Lots I can't write on here but was much fun! :) I'm home now and super sleepy. Ricky's on the east coast this week till Thursday....he's doing training in Atlanta....same coast as me.....he feels closer....oh well.
Gave my cd and music cards out to so many people I lost track. I get this funny feeling that something really wonderful is going to happen soon but I can't always trust that feeling - sometimes nothing happened ot worse! ;) Agh, I'm going to climb into bed and rest. Long day, long weekend. *HUGS* to all. Will write more and reply to all msgs tomorrow night. Have a wonderful Sunday night everyone!
- Nishi
Thursday, May 4, 2006
09:57 p.m.
lots to write............ok tribeca film festival - volunteering - well, let me say this - it wasn't the glamorous job I thought it'd be but it was actually a lot of fun! Great people and good feelings :) I'm part of the Audience Award volunteers - we thought we'd be in the audience helping people with their voting and watching the movies with them! ;) LOL! SOOOO not it ;) We counted ballots. Hundreds of them. But it was actually cool :) I'm not at liberty to say which movies got amazing numbers of votes but they're high on my list of movies to see. Lots of free goodies and perks for volunteering - we were all given 2 vouchers to see the films - I volunteer again tomorrow night and Saturday morning. Great group of people and the lead of it all, Ken, is really cool, sweet and funny :)
Paul called me last night and apologized for everything. There's a lot I'm at no liberty to say on here...but after talking for a while, we're cool :) Today at work we gave each other a big hug and we're friends again :) He smelled my hair ;) LOL! and held me extra long. I think he still has feelings for me but I see him now as just a friend. He listened to me cry last night over Ricky. I broke down sobbing and he listened with a good ear. He still phoned me again at 6:30 tonight as I went to make my train...yeah - that says it - he still likes me. Oh well - Ricky still holds my heart right now, but even if he didn't, Paul's not the one for me. In my heart - it is only Ricky. Time will tell what will happen.
I'm off to sleep. When your heart is broken, you don't sleep well. My sleep has been totally shitty. I'm exhausted from crying, from restless sleep and from my thoughts during the day - which haunt my dreams. I've woken up crying almost every day and gone to bed crying too. It f'n sucks.
On the bright side - I've written 30 new poems and 8 new songs. My total song catalogue is now 158 :) Not bad eh? :)
Kayla and Marcia *HUGS* to you both! I deleted and banned the spammers but they're using IP cloaking I think so they'll be back continuously. It's an annoyance but at least they're just spamming and not trying to get you to download a virus! MusicLover autographed The Mighty & Almighty :) Began reading it and it is SO good :) Azure Kaze yep I did - wrote about it too - was a good movie altho the book is a million times better. Sarah Beth thank you my darling friend. I will call if I need to. Thank you. *BIG HUG* Lorie LOL! no celebrities yet ;) As for cowboy/mama drama, I hope you *do* work through it. *HUG* Keep me posted!
Good night all.
- Nishi
Wednesday, May 3, 2006
01:29 p.m.
so much happened - last night after my entry and this morning - too much to write about on here.....my baby is hurting....and I don't think I helped him. :( I wanted to and I tried but it came out wrong. I hurt him more I think. :( Baby if you're reading this - I'm sorry.
I just got back to work - after court I went and picked up my volunteer ID and shirt and stuff for the Tribeca Film Festival. It's so cool and exciting :) Looking fwd to this.
Ramona LOL! thanks. I will :) *HUGS* Taby yes yes yes!!!! when!?? :) Marcia *BIG HUG* thank u. :)
- Nishi
Tuesday, May 2, 2006
11:30 p.m.
2 things happened today: I went to see Madeline Albright tonight and I ended things with Paul - he was NOT what I thought he was. Some men - even ones who look so nice - can be real awful on the inside. I'm sorry I learned it the hard way.
Madeline Albright was awesome. I got her book and waited on line for her to autograph it personally to me. :) My friend Danny from work came with me and we had an awesome time. He and I are great friends and we pal around and flirt a lot but it's in fun :) I think we're way too good friends to ever mess that up! Although we do have plans to hang out this week and Saturday after my volunteering at the Tribeca Film Festival....I'm just gonna take it one day at a time. He thinks Paul is a jerk now :)
Madeline Albright's speech was interesting because of 2 people in the audience who caused commotions when asking questions - one women persisted in asking her about romantic feelings to someone she knew and another guy caused a scene about not having his question answered and wound up having security surround him. YEESH!
I texted Ricky about Paul and he called me right away. He was so angry at Paul and gave me a sweet kiss and told me that I would find the right person. I have a feeling my Ricky will be a great ex-boyfriend - the kind I can always go to for advice and comfort. Hopefully, even if we never get back together again, we'll stay great friends for the rest of our lives.
Time to sleep.
*HUGS* to Lady, Azure Kaze, Jade, MusicLover (thanks for the iced cappuchino! ;)) Taby, Callie Tweety, Kayla, Millie, Susan, Ramona, Sanoj, Lorie, Marcia, Sarah Beth, Lisa and Miyu-chan (thank you - I know doors will open on every level - I have faith.) :) I Love You guys all SO MUCH!!!!! You all are such great friends and amazing support to me even though I don't know 1/2 of you in real life! ;) Thank you for all your words of encouragement and affection. You guys have made me feel better when I was miserable.
Ok I'm out. See ya'll after the Tribeca Film Fest tomorrow night :)
- Nishi
Monday, May 1, 2006
01:21 p.m.
both of them - they both told me I was a wonderful person - ricky said I was an incredibly beautiful person - and both said it had nothing to do with me - and yet, if I'm so fucking wonderful, incredible and amazing, then why did I lose the 2 loves of my life? Fucking long distance. I'm never doing long distance again. S and I ended at 4 years and 5 months. Ricky and I ended at 4 years and 10 months. I never even broke the 5 year mark. If I could only have been with him, maybe things would've been so much different. *sigh* next year I'll get married. No worries about distance there....I think....whoever I marry, i'll be with him 24/7. *sigh* I wonder if I can really marry another when my heart is in love with Ricky. I love him. I miss him. This sucks so, so, so much. I keep remembering hiking in the Santa Monica hills....Ricky and I had so much fun....he by accident kicked me in the shin when we were playfully mock-kicking each other as we passed each other on the hill - he got me good and it hurt like heck but we were laughing the whole time...he felt so bad for kicking me...and rubbed my leg...and I couldn't care if it hurt - I was just happy for his love.....we took great pictures that day....the sun shined, we had sunglasses on, the view was beautiful out onto the ocean.....God how I loved him and how he loved me. I want that back. With all my heart I want us back. Forever.
I won't be writing much. I don't know. I'll see how I feel. Tomorrow after work I'm going to Barnes & Noble because Madeline Albright is going to be speaking there. I last saw her at USC when Ricky took me there for a special speech she was giving. That was awesome. Another great memory of mine with him. *sigh* This Wednesday and Friday and Saturday I'll be volunteering at the Tribeca Film Festival - I'm on the Awards Nominations volunteer group :) should be fun. Tribeca Film Festival is an *awesome* time here in NY :) I saw 'Thank You For Smoking' this weekend at the movies - that was a *great* movie. SO worth seeing :) I'm going to sleep. I need rest. I'll see you guys. Be well all.
- Nishi
Sunday, April 30, 2006
10:13 a.m.
it's over. it's completely and totally over. :( don't ask me any questions. don't even comment. just leave it alone. thank you for everyone's support. Hope you're all well. See you when I get back. No details. None. I'm just gonna go back to living my life and being me, as I've always been.
- Nishi
Thursday, April 27, 2006
06:41 p.m.
WHEW! What a day! No - what a WEEK! :) I'm going away for the weekend. Details when I come back next week.
So much happened I don't know where to begin but all in all everything's well and good! :) I've got to pack. I leave on a flight tomorrow morning! :)
Sorry this entry's so short everyone - I would LOVE to write more...I just have no time!! *HUGS* to everyone!!! And special hugs to Lisa, Callie, Tabitha, MusicLover, Azure Kaze, Lady, Kayla, SereneDiamond, Sarah Beth, Jade and Miyu-chan. See you all in a a few days with MUCH to tell! :)
- Nishi
Sunday, April 23, 2006
8:15 p.m.
Updated at 10:35 p.m. BELOW
oh my god - I LOVE the O.C. and Benjamin McKenzie! I can't believe I waited this long to fall in love with a tv series. I watched Disc 1 of the O.C. dvd and LOVE IT! It's been a long time since I found a show on tv that has a moral/grounding parents like Seth's & Ryan's - you notice on tv everybody's dysfunctional these days - even the parents. You don't have stable, always-reliable figures like you did when 'Family Ties' or 'Growing Pains' aired. On the O.C. (at least what I've seen of the 1st season) the parents there stand for what's right, good and just and even their moral quandries end up on the correct footing and each episode is just FUN to watch!
I've been watching Nick & Jessica Newlyweds Disc 1 too :) They are so CUTE married....I really hope those 2 work it out. I saw the newest US Weekly and how it said Nick would marry her again and how it killed him that he couldn't make her happy.... :(
Miyu-chan *HUG* I adore you. Thanks babe :) and yes it is but we get better at it each day :) Kayla *HUGS* you're such a sweetheart. Thank you :) how are you doing? what's new? Darlene omg! u work as a teacher in the city now!??? We SOOOOOOO need to meet up! When do you get done? I'm done at 5!! Email me! :D Alex I LOVEEEE Queen's Knight!!! I wish they would publish it faster!!! :) And I'm reading Libba Bray's Live Journal! Sometimes (earlier entries) she writes about what she's doing with the 3rd book. Somehow, I think it will only be 3 books. I don't see how she could continue it as a series. It would make a GREAT movie series though :D Tabitha ya know, we have 'One A Day' multivitamins at home - I'm gonna start taking them and see how it improves me ;) Marcia *HUG* thank you :) I LOLed when I saw your msg :) your comment about almond and jojoba oil sounds great! I think Aromatherapy makes body oils awith it! What have you heard about putting Vitamin E and C capsules (containing the Vitamin E/C serum) onto your face? I heard that provides a great barrier against the environment's pollution and free radicals and helps anti-aging. ML did you have a good Friday off? :) Hope you had a great weekend! :D Liz yeah that was SO funny seeing you in court! We should hang out sometime and just chat. Next time you're in the Bronx give me a call :)
I'm off to take a relaxing shower. Good night all :)
Updated at 10:35 p.m.
tonight, after my shower, I started reading Kant's Critique of Pure Reason. Kant is fascinating. He believed, and I agree with him, that the mind imposes certain categories on experiences and that's how the mind acquires knowledge. He writes about the "categorical imperative" - the principal of universal moral law kind of like the Golden Rule - he wrote it works like this: 'act by that maxim which you can, at the same time, will as a universal law.' This is exemplified by the expression "What if everybody did that?"
What he's saying is that universally, there are moral laws that can't be *rationally* broken. For example, take 'promises' - if someone were about to break a promise, applying Kant, he'd have to first ask himself 'could I will promise-breaking to be the universal law?' According to Kant, one can't rationally assert that everyone should break their promises and make it a universal law because it's only against the background of some people keeping promises that the practice of promising makes any sense. Hence we have a duty as rational creatures to keep promises, and that gives us the rule that you act by that which you can, at the same time, will as a universal law.
Totally fascinating. Tonight, I treated myself to a mini-facial using DDF's Clarifying Enzyme Complex Mask. I left it on for 10 minutes and then massaged it over my face and rinsed it off and my face looks amazing now. Totally recommend it. Am eating a fruit salad of peaches, kiwi and strawberries and drinking Honey Vanilla Chamomile Tea from Celestial Seasonings. A totally wonderful way to end a Sunday night :) I'm gonna go back to reading and then head to sleep - have court in the morning - phooey.
Lady, Azure Kaze & Callie according to the new US Weekly, Jessica is wearing her ring from Nick on a necklace around her neck. :) I'm sure they still love each other but it's just sad that, on her end, it's no longer what she wants - maybe they'll work it out one day. We can all pray for them. I'm going through a similar situation so I can relate to Nick. Ryan you're welcome :) I adore Mischa Barton too :)
- Nishi
Saturday, April 22, 2006
10:56 a.m.
it's raining. so beautiful. my windows are dotted with rain drops. a white swan just flew over the lake and landed in the water. so graceful. god it's beautiful.
if I listen to the rain, to the wind, and see the beauty in nature, nothing else in life can affect me. this world is too great. too much. so much to do, see, experience. i can't waste my time, my heart and life in love with someone who....is causing me to be sad like this. My life is too short to waste in sadness.
you're so messed up. I thought I was your light. Your saving grace. Everything good. But you're too messed up. You let go of me but are right back where you started - bound in ties - to an unhealthy obsession/infatuation. You're ruining yourself. Long distance sucked but at least I loved you - we were pure, honest, good - true love. At least I helped you become a better person. And now you're in pain and miserable - but you did it to yourself and you keep doing it to yourself.
Maybe it's time I finally see I'm better off without you. But then why the hell do I feel like that's so wrong?
You're self-destructive. All my light, goodness.....doesn't matter. Does it? I reached you once. But the light can't reach you now if you reject it. But still I'm here. Shining. As always. You can turn to me, whenever you're ready. I'll light a way. I'll accept you. And love you.
To an extent.
My love is free. Giving. Accepting. But I won't allow my love for you to pull me down. Won't allow you to cause me to be destructive.
I love you, but I love myself too. I won't let you, or anyone, hurt me. Very few people in this world are worth hurting over. They are: your father, mother, brothers and sisters, your truest friends - the people who love you as much as you love them.
Don't hurt yourself over someone who doesn't love you as much as you love them. It's not worth it. You, yourself, are worth much, much more.
I know you love me. I know you do. But right now, you don't love me as much as I love you - to be with me, to be us. You're too messed up inside to be capabable of it right now. And if, and when, you are ready, I don't know if I'll be able to love you back the same again.
I thought my love for you was unconditional. I thought I could love you no matter what. And it's true, I do love you no matter what. But loving you is not the same as BEING with you. I can only be with you if you're worthy of my unconditional love. And you're not - you once were, but not now. It's hard to explain - I love you unconditionally, just like people in a family love each other - even if they hurt each other and are destructive and never speak to each other. You still love them. But you choose to not be with them - because love, even unconditional, doesn't mean being with them is for the best.
All of this has hurt me so much that even though I'm your light, and even though I'll always accept and love you - I won't BE with you. How can I? It hurts too much! Maybe, in time, it'll change and we can be. But not now. Who knows. All i know now is that you're so messed up and I'm the civilian casualty. And I won't allow myself to be a casualty.
find your way baby. I hope you find it. my light....what you need...is not what you seek right now....so drown in your troubles, drown in your destructiveness, cause it's only when you reach the bottom that you can find your way back to the top. And hey, I'll still be shining there. Maybe we won't be together again, but I'll still love you. I've been your friend all these years. A love as true and pure as ours doesn't just die or fade. It remains. I may not remain as your girl, but I'll remain your friend. Always. Unconditional love makes that possible.
the white swan is back again. she just flew across the lake once more and landed. she has peace. tranquility. serenity. she gives me peace. One day, I'll be like her again.
- Nishi
Friday, April 21, 2006
11:38 p.m.
tonight he broke my heart again.
- Nishi
Thursday, April 20, 2006
10:03 p.m.
I wrote tonight a song called 'Believe' - a rock ballad. The song was written for me. To myself. And for others. To believe in ourselves, to not listen to lies and to people who would bring us down, who don't believe in our dreams. I refuse to let them. I was born to do this. Born to write. To make songs. To sing. To make music. I will write till the day I die. I will sing until the day I die. This music flows through me.
- Nishi
on destiny and fate
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
10:06 p.m.
all of life is a choice.
we have a myriad of destinies.
Our choices determine which destiny we shall end up with. it is all up to us.
Our desires. Our will. Our path we build, walk and remain on.
As for fate: fate exists I think and sometimes - try as you might, you may be unable to avoid your fate. But sometimes, you can.
You cannot avoid the fate of a meteor striking the Earth, but you can choose to learn how best to survive: what part of Earth will be safest to reside in upon impact and post-impact.....sometimes, you cannot avoid becoming sick, hurt or killed because you did not know any better or could not have known any better because of limitations placed upon your knowledge of life and for that reason did not fear any danger.
But the ability to choose to learn how to know, to choose to learn how to be aware is there.
And for those who do not have choice - it is up to the rest of us to help them GAIN choice.
Everyone should have the freedom of will to choose their destiny in life. No one should control another's choices or limit their ability to choose by depriving them of the basic needs of a human being: food, shelter, love & education.
That said, we turn a blind eye to many choices given to us because we are skeptical, disbelieving creatures. We are filled with fear. Fear is necessary - it keeps us safe from dangers. But fear holds us back from great discoveries - ones that could change our lives and the world for the better.
In the end, there are good choices, and bad choices and there are good & bad "non-choices" - those occasions when refusing to choose and remaining at status quo is for the best.
It is all up to you. You control your life, your path, your destiny and how to deal with the many fates that are not under your control and lie in every path you choose to walk on.
To do all this - u must be willing to give opportunities a chance - and by opportunities I mean everything from taking a risk on a new job, a new city, a new love interest etc but, also on opportunities to gain knowledge and/or experience on every level including on religion, science, magic, nature and of the mind, body and soul. Only with understanding of such things can you make correct choices or choose to correctly not make a choice.
Read and read well. There is so much man does not know of himself, this world and the universe. What we don't know scares us. Maybe rightfully so. It may be dangerous to know certain things that could harm us, but there are many other things that to know - would set us free and greatly benefit us - individually and as a whole.
To acquire knowledge takes courage. Yes, courage. Because not all knowledge is that which we want to seek, but what we must seek. It won't be pleasant, and sometimes, it could be downright scary, but it is a choice. Ultimately, everyone learns it all comes down to a choice.
It's been a while since I thought philosophically about life. I was reading REBEL ANGELS by Libba Bray - the 2nd book after 'A Great and Terrible Beauty' - and when I finished it, all I could think about was how little we know about ourselves, this world and the universe and what great mysteries there were about our own mind and its abilities.
Honestly, I don't think mankind is ready for all the knowledge of the mind and universe. We're too infantile. We war, and are spiteful and greedy. For all our good points, there are still many bad. We have not evolved enough morally, spiritually, mentally to a state where enlightenment in all its forms is possible. And even if we did, our fear would have to be taken from us and be replaced with great, VAST understanding. Fear makes us keep out the unknown and the non-understood and misunderstood - once you understand something or someone, you can accept them and deal with them, live with them. Until then - you're scared beyond anything you know and shut your mind & heart to them - whether it be foreigners from other lands or new ideas and beliefs that run counter to your own instincts or beliefs, for example.
Sometimes, that kind of fear is good. It keeps out the dangerous....not everything in our universe is good. Just like our world - there are bound to be dangerous things. Our world contains venomous spiders, predatory animals, sandtraps, mudslides, hurricanes and men and women with cruel intentions and strange things that we cannot even begin to describe or understand but that fill us with fear.....when our world, which we love and gave birth to us, can also frisghten, hurt and kill us, how can we be open and receptive to everything in the universe? There is light and dark in everything. Good and bad. Our reason enables us to determine what is likely good or bad, but it is not infallible. It makes errors too. And that is why we fear. That is why it takes courage to overcome this fear - cause there is always a risk that your choice could be wrong. The Aztec Indians who welcomed the Spanish Conquistadors as Gods and friends did not think the Spanish would turn on them as they did. But some must have known. Somewhere in the back of many of their minds was fear, but they reasoned to let go of the fear and choose to welcome. It was a choice in error because they did not know the cruel intentions of their fellow man. It is a risk. It is a choice.
Sometimes, choosing to give someone or something a chance is the right thing to do. But you can't always be 100% sure. Reasoning, even the BEST reasoning, isn't fool-proof. There is always a measure of risk. We are not in control of the universe nor of each other. We all have free will and the Universe has a will of its own though I don't believe it's an intentional will *entirely* - I believe some things are set in motion just because there are no better alternatives and the situation cannot be left alone or that too would be bad. What happens consequently is not intentional but the unavoidable result of what HAD to be done - right or wrong. For example, people say Adolf Hitler's mother considered getting an abortion - previously she had given birth to 3 other children who had all died - she was talked out of it by her doctor. I don't know if that's a hard fact or not but let's think philosophically about this - say you were an all powerful being who could choose to allow a certain person whom you know is good and pure to live and parent many generations of good, wonderful people but one day, many many centuries from now, one of that person's descendants will give birth to a monster who will kill many. Your choice now is to choose whether to allow this person to live or not. Do you sacrifice centuries of human lives because one day a monster may be born who will also kill many? It's a tough decision. And throw into that mix the fact that HUMAN WILL IS NOT CONTROLLABLE. Any of those generations could choose a destiny or fate that could alter there ever being a birth of a monster. Thus, sometimes choices are made which just HAVE to be made, right or wrong, and only time can tell, ultimately, if it would turn out right. And sometimes it won't. But you couldn't help it. You made the best choice you could at the time.
Which makes me think about death. If humans never died, we would overpopulate the Earth and destroy it. Aging and dying may be a fact of life that was set in motion as one of the principles to life on Earth - that all beings who are granted life on Earth are granted so finitely. A finite number of days - limited by aging, disease, life situations etc. All the world and universe runs on principles of physics. On principles of logic. On a principle of balance too.
Agh......I'm done philosophizing for one night. I'm not sure where I'm going with all this but I've been writing for over 1.5 hours and I need to rest! :)
Azure Kaze SPF stands for sun protection factor. Buy a moisturizer with sunscreen or sunblock with minimum SPF 15 (means 15 times more protection from the sun then without any protection at all) and make sure it's a broad-spectrum sunscreen/sunblock - meaning it blocks both UVA and UVB rays. Marcia and Sarah Beth LOL! I know what you mean about sleep but you must try nonetheless! :D Marcia - make sure you're using sunblock!! Arizone and pale Irish skin!??? GOOD LORD! You need like SPF 30 or 45 or 10000 ;)
ML I love strawberries! :) Rebel Angels is the 2nd in what I think is a trilogy which began with 'A Great and Terrible Beauty' which is the story of Gemma Doyle - a girl who is blessed with great power, who must re-set the order of magic and it takes place in victorian England and is full of adventure, magic and romance - it's one of those books/series you can't put down till you're finished with it. It's THAT good.
Tabitha for real? I should take vitamins too shouldn't I? I always thought it such a bother cause of the fact that it gets wasted by your body if your body doesn't need it and you get your needs from fruits and vegetables already. But you can never be sure if you're getting your daily requirements, can you? ;) I should probably give vitamins a chance. See if they improve me :)
Kayla when you're young, skin is resilient. You don't have to do much to make it look great. But as skin gets older, you start seeing the effects of not having taken care of it well. Just because you're blessed with great skin and are young doesn't mean you should take it for granted. I strongly advise you to use a moisturizer with sunscreen during the day and moisturize face, hands and body every morning and night and after showering. As for your hands - I played the violin for a long, long time and did not have callouses on my fingers nor did I think they were necessary at all, however, it is not so much the skin on the inside of your hands, but the outside that matters - that's the skin that gets malanoma/skin cancer and gets aged and old-looking before you know it. You can tell the age of a woman or at least how badly she took care of her skin by looking at her eyes, hands, neck and feet. The more lines and craggly looking skin - the older she is or the less well she took care of herself.
Millie half the battle is in disciplining yourself to take care of yourself consistently. I fail a LOT. We get lazy, tired, unmotivated or preoccupied. But the point is to do it at least somewhere regularly. Some skin care is better than none. We have only this skin to live in :)
Ok good lord it's now been 2 hours I've been writing - started at 8 and it's now 10! Time to watch some tv and relax before bed. I have court in the morning and am meeting the girls from my motions department for lunch tomorrow :) See ya'll tomorrow :)
- Nishi
all about beauty - creams, lotions & what makes true beauty
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
10:00 p.m.
I love Oil of Olay. Their new 'Total Effects Night Firming Cream' is awesome. I've always had gorgeous skin (I thank my mom for it) and I make sure to keep it that way by taking very, very good care of it and I use everything from Oil of Olay to Neutrogena and Nivea and L'Oreal and Origins and other special brands and each has products I swear by!
Currently, on a typical work day, I follow a morning routine where I use Spa Science's Eye Gel with lipopeptide all over my eyes to reduce any morning puffiness and tighten the skin there - works beautifully. After it's absorbed, I put Oil of Olay's Regenerist Daily Serum all over my face, neck, chest, hands and elbows. Once that is absorbed, and if it's a sunny or cloudy day, I follow with Nivea Visage All Around Protection SPF 15 moisturizer. If it's the weekend and I don't plan to go out or if it's raining, I follow with 'Sudden Change Intensive Green Tea Serum'.
At night, for the eyes, I alternate between Neutrogena Healthy Skin Eye Cream with Alpha Hydroxy & Melibiose on my eyes or Caudalie's Eye Cream. For the face before bed I lather on Olay Total Effects Restorative Treatment with Retinol one night and the next use Oil of Olay Regenerist Daily Serum again all over, and once everything's absorbed, follow with either the 'Sudden Change Intensive Green Tea Serum' or, if I feel my skin needs pampering, a rich cream like Olay's Total Effects Night Firming Cream. At night, on my neck/throat & chest I use Olay's Retinol Treatment again one night and the next use DermaFreeze365 with a GABA-Biox Firming Complex - both followed by the 'Sudden Change Intensive Green Tea Serum' or a rich cream.
I carry Nivea's Q10 Eye Cream with SPF4 with me every day so I can re-touch protection if I'll be in the sun. At work, I remove the city's dust, dirt and pollution with L'Oreal's Nutri-Pure Toner with Vitamins B & C.
As for the body - I swear by the following body lotions: Lubriderm's SPF 15 body lotion for day, and for night or non-outdoor/non-sunny day: Nivea's new lotion with Creatine, Curel's Natural Healing Moisturizing Lotion with Green Tea, Aloe & Cucumber & also its lotion with Honey, Vanilla and Shea Butter :) I love ST. IVES too and swear by it's Collagen Elastin rich cream that comes in a pink jar - I put that on whenever the mood strikes.
I should be paid to advertise these products ;)
But seriously - they work beautifully. I've used products like these my whole life practically - I may be 29 but I look 19 ;) It helps that I'm short I think ;) LOL!
Make sure you guys use SPF every day on your face, neck, chest and hands and feet if they'll be exposed.
And make sure to moisturize your hands and feet constantly (elbows too).
LASTLY: sleep 7-9 hours a night, eat fruits and vegetables (a lot), drink lots of water and exercise every day and meditate or write or pray or talk to friends - whatever will get anything that's troubling you inside OUT and have FUN! Listen to great music, read great books and always learn new things - keep your brain intelligent and as fit as your body, watch silly tv shows, watch funny movies, go have a massage, get your nails done - LIVE, LOVE, LEARN & LAUGH :) The health of your body and mind depend on you taking care of your body but also living life to the fullest. And - time for the cheesy cliche but VERY TRUE nontheless: always remember that true beauty comes from within, from being good to others as you are good to yourself - and this means understanding, compassion and true love and acceptance of your fellow human beings, animals and this world we call home.
Ok I'm done - I finished watching American Idol (Chris Daughtry is still so hot, hot - HOT - I want him to win!) and watched some Pepper Dennis (very different show - might give it another chance) and now I'm gonna read 'Rebel Angels' by Libba Bray :)
Callie that's awesome! TomKat's little baby girl :) Azure Kaze LOL! thanks! but whadya mean by 'home country'? ;) SarahBeth thanks babe - I love u too! *HUGGGGGGGG* Tabitha God bless you! Thank you sooooooo much!!! *HUGGGGGGG* Lorie thank you!!! *HUG* I agree 100% and pray daily :) ML/Stephanie LOL! you're so funny! Thank you very, very much :) *HUGS* I love chocolate easter bunnies :D
Good night all :)
- Nishi
Monday, April 17, 2006
10:43 p.m.
Today - I got an offer from an Indie label :D :D :D :D They want to sign me as an artist and will fully produce a 12-song album for me, no cost to me at all - they see me as their international pop/pop artist - after production of the cd ends, I'd agree for them to market me for 1 year to major labels, get me on the radio and sell cds. Any deal/money I get, we'd split 50-50. This is a great deal considering most established artists get like 8 cents on a cd. The owner of the label knows some great industry contacts......I'm mulling it over....but it's an exciting offer :) i *do* want so many of my songs produced....and it'd be for FREE.....with a supportive label with a very talented owner and already great artists on it.....and it's a 1 year agreement - so no long tie-in.....I'm still gonna mull it over for a week or 2.....
I'm amazed cause they found me through myspace. That is SUCH an awesome website. I get msgs every day from producers who want to work with me on songs - they're all tempting but this indie label is the one that has won some of my faith and confidence. I'm still amazed :D
I'm gonna run it by some friends in the biz first.
Tonight I saw FAILURE TO LAUNCH with delicious Matthew McConaughey :) Sarah Jessica Parker was AWESOME and the movie was HYSTERICALLY FUNNY and so so so so good! :) GO SEE IT while it's still in theaters! I hadn't expected it be as funny as it was and just...really good! I'm pleasantly surprised and happy I saw it :) One thing though - SJP screeches a lot - ya know - like how she did on Sex & the City whenever she was scared or surprised she'd screech like nails on chalkboard? UGH! I HATED THAT! Love her - hate the screeching.
Anywayz, it's almost 10:30 and I need to settle into bed for sleep. Hope everyone is well!
Azure Kaze omg! The Moon Prism Box is SO CUTE! I wish I could understand what Usagi is saying!!! Callie-chan how was your easter? Lydz LOL!! Camera phoneeeee in bright sunnnn :) it sucks I know :) *HUG* Miyu-chan nooooooo don't let it be that! I would be in excruciating pain if it was! Marcia for real? you are sooo lucky! :) SUMAN awww.....don't worry about it :) it's all cool :) who are you exactly? Where're you from? Please tell me at least a little about yourself. Darlene it was a gorgeous easter wasn't it? *HUG* you're in the city aren't you? We should've totally met up by now! :) Lady it rained but your DH (dear husband?) bbq'd outside anyway? That is SO SWEET! MusicLove a.k.a. Stephanie LOL! HI!! Thank you so much for telling me about yourself!! Are you the same Stephanie who's left me msgs before? Maybe there are 2 of you now....anywayz, I am very happy to know you now! :) How was your easter (if you celebrate)?
Ok I'm out. See ya'll tomorrow :D
- Nishi
Happy Easter!!!
Sunday, April 16, 2006
02:40 p.m.
This is what I wore for Easter today at church - a pretty mint green lenga. Click on the images to see the full-size.
I tried to get my sisters to pose for pics but they didn't like how the pics turned out and made me delete them and then wouldn't pose for a sisters-only photo. Sheesh. Taken with my camera phone so lots of sun glare!
suuuuperrrrr long day at church for easter services and then my folks kept my sisters and I waiting while they stayed at a church meeting until 1:30! We're cooking wings and hot dogs and burgers for an outdoor easter cookout :D YUM! :D
It's gorgeous outside today too - sunny and 65 degrees.
Kayla I did something to my shoulders/neck last night too - I'm in HORRIBLE pain - it hurts to lift my neck, move my neck and shoulder certain ways - been taking advil - I have no idea what I did to it - maybe I slept wrong last night? Maybe it was the massage at the nail salon yesterday afternoon? God knows but it hurts like hell. I totally understand what you're going through cause I'm right there with u in it!
Susan thank you! Happy Easter to you too! God bless!!
Music Lover gosh darnit - and I thought I had you pegged! Why don't you tell me ANYTHING about who you are? Drives me nuts! :) Hope you have a happy easter! I did another IP search on you - Jamestown? Do you live there?
Marcia LOL! Taxes now??? :) I hope u get a big refund! 6 brothers huh? wow! I always wished I had a brother ! :) Lady thanks babe!!! Happy Easter to you too!! How are you celebrating? Dana UsagiandMamoru.com will be back up this summer. The host I used for all my sites crashed and burned and I need to find a new host that will give me 1-2GB of space, unlimited bandwidth and will host 16 domains and all for less than $20/month ;) But don't worry - it WILL be back! :)
Ok guys - have a WONDERFUL Sunday and Happy Easter! I am out to enjoy the afternoon and the food and my family.
- Nishi
Saturday, April 15, 2006
10:13 a.m.
It's going to be a GORGEOUS day!! Sunny, 75+ degrees - I'm going on my 4 mile jog for sure today! :) Mum's making breakfast downstairs! I woke up from super strange dreams....no idea what to make of them.....Ricky was in them again.....I'm gonna see if my sisters are awake. Today's a great day to go hiking - I have to spring clean my closet though - get rid of the sweaters and bring back my tees and tanks :D YAHOOOO! SPRING IS HERE :D
Music Lover thank you very much :) Out of curiosity, I looked up who your IP address belonged to. Does any of this sound familiar: Xerox Palo Alto Research Center, 3333 Coyote Hill Road, Palo Alto, California, Keith Farrar? Are you a member of or practice Taijiquan Tutelage? Either way, very nice to see you again and your words were greatly appreciated. God bless! :)
Sarah Beth *HUG* sweetie, you know I left my cell number on your IM window the other weekend. Call me if you ever need to ok? It would make me happy to talk to you after so long. Love you!
Kayla LOL! I know right?! *HUGS* how've u BEEN? How's the month of April been treating you? :) How in the HECK did you injure yourself? What'd you do!? DETAILS! :)
I think I just heard my 3rd sister come home! She's still just 22 and landed a position as an account with KPMG and has LONG days and even works weekends. I know she's been looking fwd to a weekend home!
I'm off to enjoy my Saturday. See ya'll later! :)
- Nishi
Friday, April 14, 2006
09:26 p.m.
suman first, that is a totally inappropriate question to ask me and to even *assume*. I don't care who you are - stranger, friend, casual reader - don't presume you can question my, or people whom I date's, intentions. It's really none of your business and I haven't written anything like that for you to comment on. Second, I think it's very insulting that you would question my intelligence and knowledge of social decorum and the ways of men and women in relationships. I'm 29 years old, very mature and very smart. I know how guys think and how girls think. You have a lot of gall to leave me a question/comment like that. Your english isn't very good, you didn't leave an email address, you titled yourself "suman" - a name that is used by both Indian men and women. Your message has been duly noted - thanks for stopping by.
Callie I've just been busy living my life ;) Don't always have time, energy or motivation to write online ya know? ;) I'm so sorry about your mom and the car getting towed! I'll be praying for you.
What is UP with the crazy spammers who constantly leave "nice" msgs on the comment box but all their links lead to potentially dangerous websites. Nobody click on the links of msgs left by people in my comment box - they may lead to hacker's websites which will cause your web browser and/or computer to freeze while it installs spyware onto your browser and computer to track your online activity and steal bank account information.
I'm so annoyed right now. I could really kick someone's teeth loose right about now.
UPDATED AT 11:53 p.m.
I wrote the above over 2 hours ago, woke up from an evening nap - had a nice Good Friday at work :) My family is all home for the Easter holiday!! :)
Had an AWESOME week! Tuesday and Thursday I went out with Paul for food and drinks - had a blast! Ricky and I've been talking past couple days - it's nice :) I still don't know what the future holds for us, but I'm taking it one day at a time. I love him very much. It's now after midnight and Ricky and I were on the phone gabbing away - took a break to get food and I'm waiting for his call back before I turn in for sleep again.
Been SO busy this week! I don't know where all the time went. Between work, court, my social life, all my own work on writing (am working on my books still), and working on music as well, I had little time to myself! Looking forward to this weekend to rest and relax.
Azure Kaze OH MY GOD!!! I am SOOOOOOOOOOOO watching!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you SO MUCH for letting me know! But where does it say it'll be on USA TV? As for UsagiandMamoru.com, it'll be back this summer :) Sarah Beth thanks babe! What's the matter? I'm heading over to your blog after this. *HUGGGGGGGG* Millie for real!!? You're reading it now too? I just bought Rebel Angels - the second book after that :) I'm going to dive into it tomorrow :) Lisa LOL!!!!!!! I love you :) *HUG* You would make SUCH a kick-ass lawyer babe :) I just wanna visit you and hang out! I swear to God I'm gonna grab Sarah Beth and head over to Walnut Creek. We really all need to get together soon and NOT just at your wedding where we won't have much time with u at all! ;) Lorie I haven't seen Crash - I thought it would depress me so didn't watch it! Worth it?
Updates again at 1:40 a.m.
Got off the phone with Ricky.........it sucks when 2 people love each other more than anyone else in the world.....but for reasons that don't have anything to do with me, we can't be together. It sucks, sucks, sucks and my heart's still broken. Why in the whole universe did this have to even happen? Why? I shouldn't have to cry for the 2nd time in my life over someone I was/am so in love with. I'm gonna dry my eyes. Seems like no matter how much I've cried, fresh tears are always ready to come. I'd appreciate if you, dear readers and friends, would no longer comment/advise about the affairs of my heart, with Ricky - with anyone. Thank you. I know you all care, and that's all I need to know. :)
- Nishi
Monday, April 10, 2006
08:22 p.m.
mmmmm I love Linkin Park :) Listening to 'From the Inside' right now and reading Marcus Aurelius - Meditations. Something I love that he wrote: "Begin each day by telling yourself: Today I shall be meeting with interferance, ingratitude, insolence, disloyalty, ill-will and selfishness - all of them due to the offenders' ignorance of what is good or evil." He goes on to say that he knows the nature of good and evil and the nature of the culprit - who is his "brother" meaning fellow man, one who is also endowed with reason and the divine in him. "Neither can I be angry with my brother or fall foul of him; for he and I were born to work together, like a man's 2 hands, feet or eyelids . . . to obstruct each other is against Nature's Law . . ."
Marcus Aurelius was a Roman emperor......the last of the 5 Good Emperors of Rome - he had high ideals and I admire him for that. Although born noble, he never acted better than anyone. He said his mother taught him charitableness and true compassion - not physically, but in the mind - to never think ill or uncharitably of another. His writing 'Meditations' is inspirational....it's something I think that everyone, who wants to a better person and make a difference in this world, should read.
Like myself, he loved philosophy and his writings are identified with the Stoic philosphy. The stoics believed God is the universe and the universe is God. He writes: "Constantly regard the universe as one living being, having one substance and one soul; and observe how all things have reference to one perception, the perception of this one living being; and how all things act with one movement; and how all things are the cooperating causes of all things which exist; observe too the continuous spinning of the thread and the contexture of the web." Beautiful isn't that?
mmmm I'm gonna zone out to Linkin Park now....
Ramona thank you! :) Strength comes from believing in yourself, in your own beauty and power and understanding that when someone you loved, and who loved you, for his/her own reasons decides he/she can no longer be with you, that it is not your fault, but that it is him/her trying to control their life. So let them. You must do what you have to do and control your own life. Find your own happiness and keep an open mind. If things work out between the two of you, great, if not - you have the gift of life and must not waste it - keep living and loving. It's a big beautiful world out there and you have only this life. Live it! :)
Miyu-chan is that so? I believe you! But how could the narrators fail to mention that? I would think it so important to let visitors know that previous Pharoh's names were erased and images destroyed. Rachel LOL! Ok :) I honestly don't remember but I'm happy to meet you again! Where are you from? Callie Wow! Well, I'm sorry to hear that! How are you doing otherwise? Stephanie I visited your blog! It's so pretty! Good luck in your last quarter! What's your senior project?
Memory what law school do you go to again? I can't believe you get to argue at the Federal Courthouse for Moot Court! The Federal Courthouse is a place where even attorneys who've been admitted 30-50 years have never stepped inside of cause their work doesn't reach the appellate/federal level. That's awesome! Tips? KNOW YOUR ARGUMENTS! Know everything about what you're trying to convince the Judges about and know why your arguments fail and why you should win anyway! Make sure you bolster your arguments principally while sliding in reasons for why the other side doesn't have as good reasons. I did Moot Court in law school too and loved it. It was a traumatic experience though!
Almost 8:30 now....I think I'll watch 'How I Met Your Mother' and then zone out to Linkin Park ;)
- Nishi
Sunday, April 9, 2006
11:22 p.m.
tonight I'm listening to:
The Killers - On Top (I love this song SO much!)
Green Day - Blvd. of Broken Dreams (I LOVE this song TOO!) :)
I was determined to not let a nice Sunday go to waste and went down to see the Hatshepsut exhibit at the Met. It was SO worth it. I sketched and read and walked around for almost 3 hours. The MET is one of my favorite museums. Hatshepsut is one of my fave Egyptian Queens (along with Nefertiti and Cleopatra) because she was a great leader and ruled Egypt at a time when it was still a man's world. The same is true for Nefertiti and Cleopatra too. I couldn't believe I was seeing works that were over 3500 years old! For some unknown reason (most likely political and NOT spiteful or vengeful), her name and images were erased 20 years after she died. Same happened to Nefertiti too but that was because she had many enemies in ancient egypt.
I'm gonna have to cut this short now. Time for sleep :)
*HUGS* to everyone! :)
- Nishi
Ancient Pyramid Uncovered in the City of the Gods
Sunday, April 9, 2006
9:36 a.m.
I read about this in my paper last week and meant to write about it. Did you guys hear about how they found an ancient pyramid in Mexico City that is now the site of a Christ crucifixtion re-enactment? 500 A.D. Pyramid Uncovered in Mexico City. When Mexico was conquered by the Spanish and their Catholic faith brought in, they built churches and cathedrals right over the remains of temples and religious sites to forcibly supplant the Aztec, Maya and Incan religions. Even legends and stories ran around which helped the Catholic faith meld with the old faith. For example, sometime after the 1521 Spanish conquest, on a hillside where the Aztecs had worshipped Tonantzin - the mother of the Gods, it was said that Mexico's Catholic patroness, the Virgin of Guadalupe, appeared.
Funny coincidence huh? ;) A good way to merge 2 patron Gods/Saints. This temple/pyramid they found was built by the Teotihuacan culture on such a hillside. I know a lot about this culture because of my long-time fascination with the Inca, Maya and Aztec empires. My library is crammed full of books on those empires! They're what I base a HUGE deal of my fantasy series on that I've been writing for years. Last year I went to that fantastic Aztec Empire exhibit at the Guggenheim and saw many statues and figurines attributed to the Teotihuacan culture. Teotihuacan, as it's now known, is in central Mexico and is remarkable because of its 2 huge pyramids (a Temple of the Sun and Temple of the Moon) and many other smaller pyramids. The culture there thrived from 200 A.D. to 800 A.D. and its city held over 200,000 people - making it one of the ancient world's largest cities. Archaeologists learned that sometime between 700-800 A.D., repeated burning and sacking occured in areas around the Pyramids of the Sun and Moon and, as a result, the city never recovered from those attacks. Around 800 A.D. the culture collapsed and now no one knows who the people were that lived in what's known as Teotihuacan. Although there are beautiful murals and artwork that remain, no writings were found and it's not known if there was ever any writing system. Who knows, it may have existed but was erased with war and destruction. Even the original name of the city - nobody knows! The Maya called it "PUH" (place of the reeds). And many centuries after its collapse, it was named Teotihuacan, "Birthplace of the Gods" or "City of the Gods" by the Aztecs.
Here is a really beautiful photo of young girls running down the pyramid at Teo. Takes you back to another time huh? :)
I love ancient studies :) Love archaeology.
I didn't go to church with my folks today cause I'm sick. Sore throat. I wanted to go to the Metroplitan Museum of Art today to see the Hatshepsut exhibit (ancient Pharoh-Queen of Egypt I've always loved) but I'll see how I feel after my folks come home. I'm going to shower and have breakfast and clean my room and get ready for my dad to come home because he wants me to come with him to some computer sale in White Plains and help him pick out a computer. At least this way, I'll get a ride to the train station to go to the city ;) LOL! Dumb sore throat. Better not ruin my weekend. Why can't I get sick on a work day!? :)
Alex we do! I LOVE History and Classics - I was an english major in college with specialization in Literature and Rhetoric - I studied Aristotle and Socrates and LOVED it :) I was an economics minor :) Loved Alan Greenspan! :) Lady *HUGS* back my friend :) Lorie thank you. :) Marcia yeah it sucks. And you're right. But we're better for it in the end :)
Rachel who are you? I only know *one* Rachel in my life and she worked with me at my law firm. Callie LOL! for real? It rained here yesterday too but it was so pretty to watch :) it's a gorgeous sunny day today! :) Ryan awwww if you email you should email nishimusic at gmail.com because my yahoo account gets a TON of spam and a lot of mail goes into the bulkmail folder. Thank you for your kind words :) Look fwd to ur email :) Susan thank you so much :) ur such a sweetheart. How've u been? what's new on your end? as you can see, audition went well :D Azure Kaze LOL! I'm scaring you!? :) hahahahaha ur so funny :)
- Nishi
Saturday, April 8, 2006
11:57 p.m.
this sweet girl emailed me asking me for advice on HER love life. She came across my blog somehow and saw my sadness over Ricky's and my break up and she asked me how to deal with her own heart ache.
This is what I told her:
"ya know that expression guys use on girls: "it's not you, it's me?" well it's true - sometimes, it's really JUST HIM! What a relief :) Guys are so messed up. We women are such amazing catches. Beautiful, loving, warm, smart, adventurous, free and fun-loving spirits. Why do we get so down when some guy decides he wants out? There are a hundred other men WAITING to get IN ;) So what if you were with him 5 years? What made him fall in love with you, is YOU. You were, are and always WILL BE the amazing girl you are. So lift yourself up and accept that it's really his problem and go on and be your beautiful self. He's doing what's best for his life. So you do what's best for yours. If and when he wakes up and realizes he wants you back, you can evaluate whether he's worth your time, energy and love again. Until then - live free baby :) More likely than not, you will be with someone new by the time he wakes up. You can't control how other people live their life, they can choose to be with you and love you one minute and leave you the next. It's all part of being human. All you can do is be yourself, live, love and grow." - Nishi
I realized the words were 100% true for me too. Why is it you can give GREAT advice to other ppl but when the situation happens to you, you're like floundering? ;) Well not anymore...especially not after my talk with Ricky this evening....it was...an eye opener. And I am more than ready to follow my OWN advice :)
Let the good times begin. Nishi's finally ready :)
- Nishi
warning - entry contains cursing
Saturday, April 8, 2006
03:22 p.m.
i passed the audition!!! :) they want to work with me and sign an agreement :D But I need to learn more about them, and what the agreement entails....
was on the phone with Ricky for a long time this afternoon.....we still love each other incredibly....but nothing's changed. We're still broken up :(
On my playlist right now:
Lifehouse - The Sky is Falling
Lindsay Lohan - Drama Queen
The Killers - Jenny Was a Friend of Mine
The Killers - Somebody Told Me
a new song I wrote titled Karma is this angry little song :) Contains curses, I don't normally share those songs. I believe in writing music through many points of views and perspectives. People who don't really know me well don't know what kind of music and writing I'm capable of. We all have emotions & capabilities beyond what we show to others, and beyond what we even admit to ourselves.
Karma COPYRIGHT NISHI RAJAN April 8, 2006
Edited to preserve content.
This song reveals another side to my personality - the side that gives into hate and anger - normal things that reside in all of us but only come out when we are very hurt and sad......it doesn't come out often, only when it has to. It's not all sunshine and rainbows kids. Sometimes, it's black as death, and painful as torture. It's life. Live and learn.
- Nishi
Saturday, April 8, 2006
02:23 a.m.
got home about 20 minutes ago.......had....a wonderful night :) long day at court and work.....Paul was sick today at work and I told him it wasn't a good idea to hang out tonight so he went home. I went to an audition that this start up hip-hop entertainment company was holding after work and didn't leave there until almost 8 - I was going to head home straight but then Paul called me and said he felt better and so we met up and he took me for Thai food in Queens! :) I forget the name of the place but it was FANTASTIC! :) Afterwards, we went for a drive along the shore and parked again out by the Sound/Ocean....we talked a lot about our lives and everything.....he and I have become so close......we talked about our past loves....significant others etc....it was really nice :) .....i can't write anymore about this right now - too sleepy. Good night all - see u in the morning :)
- Nishi
Friday, April 7, 2006
07:13 a.m.
:( another horrible, sleepless night.....woke up many times...again Rick was all I could think of....and then I woke up again around 5am from a nightmare about ricky telling me 'it's over' and he meant completely and I woke up sobbing. All i can think about is 'what is he doing...how is he doing....I love him and want to hear his sweet voice so much and at the same time hate thinking of all this and am so filled with pain when I do hear his voice because of everything happening.....damned if I do or don't.....God....I'm gonna go and have fun today and just forget......i'm hollow and empty again......this awful feeling in my stomach never goes away......I know I'm just distracting myself....but what else can I do? at least when I distract myself, I don't live in the pain......I have court this morning.....I need to get ready......I love you....I love you.....I love you......no one will ever replace you.
- Nishi
Thursday, April 6, 2006
11:11 p.m.
Went out with Paul tonight after work again - we went to one of my fave cafes in Greenwich Village for hot chocolate and croissants which became biscotti :) We walked around the village and got a cupcake from Magnolia Bakery and sat somewhere on Perry Street eating it :) Afterwards we went to this bar at Port Authority and had awful rum & cokes ;) and I LOVE Rum & Cokes! How can anyone mess that up? It was A LOT of fun :) he's really cool and fun and sweet :)
I just got back home.....it's funny....I woke up last night so upset from nightmares and all my thoughts were on ricky....I woke up at 1:45, 2:50 a.m., 4:30 and 6am.....each time, my first thought was Ricky...and I had this horrible hollow, empty feeling.......at work, I listened to Linkin Park to prevent me from thinking of Ricky....in music I find such an escape....it takes me away from my pain....makes me remember how strong I am and how there's a huge world out there in which ricky and this pain are not a factor.....
I will live with the pain of Ricky for the rest of my life...it'll lie there like my pain over S......neither of which will ever go away........
but I'm gonna move on. I still don't know what the future holds for Ricky and I...but I sure as hell canNOT keep living each day crying, depressed and unhappy over the loss of the 2nd love of my life and hanging waiting for him, which is not guaranteed to me. It's time I gave another guy a chance to be with me. If only for a little while.
- Nishi
P.S. Tammy I haven't talked to u in so long! Great to see you here babe! *HUG* and thank you :) I think YOU are awesome! :) LegalDivaEsq same here - my first love and I broke up after 4.5 years back in our early 20s too. Sarah Beth I love you! *HUGGGGGGGGGG* Alex you are such a sweetheart. Thank you for your comforting and wonderful words *HUG* :) How are you doing? What's going on in your world? Marcia thank u so much. *HUG* Thank you for being such a supportive friend :) how are you doing? Taby *HUG* thanks babe. :) How are you and Mat? We should really hang out again sometime soon. Been ages since I last saw you - was that Chinatown last time I saw u? Miyu-chan awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww why are you going to make me cry too? :) LOL! *HUG* thank you SO MUCH. I am so happy you are my friend. Callie thank you for the e-card and your sweet msgs. *HUG* cheered me up :) Jade *HUGGGGGG* right back!!! :) Azure Kaze thank you! I still need to respond to your email - been coming home so late and I never have time! This weekend for sure!! :) *HUG* Lady *HUGGGGGGGGGGGGG* last but not least, thank you for all your kind words, email and support. It means the world to me. :)
Guess what? It's 11:11 p.m. again :) make a wish! :D
Wednesday, April 5, 2006
08:29 p.m.
today was the worst day.
but I came to a decision.
and I can live with it - for now.
what will be, will be.
it's killing me.
breaking me into a million pieces.
But still I'm able to keep walking, keep moving, keep being ME.....and I just grow stronger and better.....
I love myself.
Ricky is the only one I would ever let do this to me......because of how strong and beautiful our love is/was.
I would never let another man do this to me. No man is worth this. Except Ricky. And even for him - I will only do this for a short while longer, before I give up and move on.
I realized today....that I finally became the woman I always wanted to be. Strong, beautiful, wise, confident...and....I had achieved true understanding of human weaknesses, failures....what it means to be human, to live and love. I understand so much now.
I can truly say now that I am a Queen.
I am 29....I have been through hell and back many times in my life......I've been hurt and hurt others....I've known amazing joys and the most horrible of sorrows.
I know this is only another beginning. That even greater happiness and greater sorrows lie in my future.
But I have the strength. I always did. I always will. No matter what happens, I'll make it through.
God help me, I love you.
- Nishi
Tuesday, April 4, 2006
10:42 p.m.
oh my god...wow did I have a night.....paul and I went out tonight! :) He's been an amazing friend to me at work...he listens to everything about my heartache over Ricky....he saw how I was down today so after work we went for dinner and dessert - his treat :) we went to one of my fave malayasian places in chinatown and then to my fave cafe for dessert :D
By the time we were done it was 7:30 and we wanted to have a drink so we went uptown to this bar on 38th Street that offered pool and we played pool and ordered amaretto sours - he is SO GOOD at pool!! He slammed those balls into every socket, making crazy, impossible shots....I never saw anyone that good! And, he is an even better teacher! With him helping me, my game improved immensely!
While we played, Paul told me how much he liked me and how he couldn't resist me. He wouldn't stop playing with my hair and trying to touch and hold me. He held my hand walking back to the subway....I didn't know what to think.....He stares at me and it unnerves me....he has big brown eyes and the LONGEST lashes....I can't tell you how many times I had to resist HIM! He's 1/2 Indian and 1/2 Portuguese....he's very...very attractive.....he works with me at our company....he accused me of avoiding him at work and it's true...I do! :) I just didn't wanna encourage anything but after he's been such a good friend and after Friday's date and him taking me out yesterday and tonight....maybe I should just give in.....what's stopping me anyway? The one I've been in love with, Ricky, has chosen to be free as a bird and nothing's stopping him from doing things I cry over.....so why shouldn't I?
*sigh* it's too soon....i'm still in love with Ricky....but, the more I get hurt over Ricky...the more Paul looks better....he's beginning to work his magic on me......oh God, tell me what to do....I can't keep crying over Ricky...I just can't....I deserve better....even if Ricky came back now....could things ever be the same again? ....maybe I should just give Paul 1/2 a chance.....just 1/2. For now :)
NO ONE COMMENT WITH ANY ADVICE ON THE ABOVE.
Lady I got your lovely msg. *HUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG* Thank you SO MUCH! I'll reply probably tomorrow/tomorrow night? Your mail meant a LOT! :) Azure Kaze I LOVEEEEEE Pretty Cure!!!! I hope they don't butcher it here!! I wish mermaid melody pichi pichi pitch would be relased as an anime here already! The manga comes out next month!! :) Kayla thank u babes! I know I can count on ur for laughs :) *HUG* and I agree - laughter is the best medicine - and really great music :) Marcia *HUGGGGG** I know - I don't know what's going on with all the relationship problems.... serene diamond *HUG* I had tried to call u earlier that night to return your calls :) *HUG* so that was YOu who called me at 2:45 a.m. at night!? :) LOL!!! I was SO exhausted that I just hung up. Millie God is always my source of strength in everything :) Thank you babe *HUG* Jade-chan thank you *HUG* back!! :) Lorie awwwww you're so sweet!!! If you're ever in NYC we soooo need to meet up! :)
it's now almost midnight and I need to sleep. See ya'll tomorrow or Thursday. :)
- Nishi
up late writing poems
Tuesday, April 4, 2006
1:10 a.m.
I can't sleep. I'm up writing poems. my heart tells me to believe in him, but how can I when he is doing things that are breaking it? God help me. Star in my heart, please shine your light and give me strength, because I feel like nothing will ever be the same again. I close my eyes, and I pray.
My Soul Is Eternal - COPYRIGHT NISHI RAJAN APRIL 4, 2006
Edited to safeguard content
The last line of that poem is actually a line from one of my songs titled "Eternally Me." I feel better. It is 10pm on the West Coast. My mind wonders what Ricky is doing and my heart chokes and cries because of its fears. God I hate this so much. It's 1:10 a.m......I need to be up in 5 hours....good night everyone.
- Nishi
Monday, April 3, 2006
07:53 p.m.
my abs are so freakin sore. I did 280 crunches yesterday after my run and then put "8 minute abs" in TOO and wowza was that overkill - but it feels great :D I'm gonna have amazing obliques after this ;) LOL!
Was in court in the Bronx today and had a LONG day at work. Went with a friend afterwards to Kinokuniya to buy some manga and relax with some dessert - really took my mind off Ricky and everything. Well, a little anyway.
My mom bailed on me tonight - she was too tired to drive out in the rain to get me so asked me to take a cab home and WOW - did that work out - I met this guy named YZ (pronounced "wise") who's a music producer and his friend MANAGES LAUREN HILL!! This guy is WELL-CONNECTED. He asked me for my cd and I gave it to him! He was a total sweetheart.
Anywayz, I'm finally home and SO need to relax! Gonna take a relaxing shower, do my vocal exercises, and work on a new song I started composing while in court today.
Message to my friends: Lisa, SarahBeth, Lorie, Azure Kaze, Marcia, Kayla, Jade, Lady, Nitz, Millie thank you SO much guys :) There are good days and bad. But I'm a very strong girl. I've been through this before and I'm ok :) I vent on here cause I need to, this is probably the only place I really let it all out so don't be worried by what you read. I'm *really* doing great :) *HUGS*
See ya'll later :)
- Nishi
Sunday, April 2, 2006
3:07 p.m.
this is a song I wrote...for Ricky....for everything we are going through....hope for the future...
Nothing's Ever Over COPYRIGHT NISHI RAJAN April 2, 2006
Edited to safeguard content.
:( I can't stop crying. It hurts so much :( God I love him with all my heart. I have to move on. I have to. I don't want to. But I have to. :( I hate this. I hate this so much.
- Nishi
Saturday, April 1, 2006
11:33 p.m.
"I am the best thing that ever happened to u and u are the best thing to ever happen to me. I want u to be strong and self-reliant. But if u need companionship - let it be ME. I LOVE YOU. I will love u better than anyone. I will nurture you. I will care for you. I will soothe you. I will *love* you. this is the last from me. When u do come back, I pray there's an us to come back to. I love you. Goodbye." - Nishi
I've been writing since 11:30 and it's now 1:35 a.m. I must sleep now.
Saturday, April 1, 2006
10:58 p.m.
edited. deleted posting.
Saturday, April 1, 2006
04:58 p.m. EST
edited. posting deleted.
Millie LOL! God is great :) And today was one of those days when you really rejoice in Him and are thankful for the world u live in, the beauty u see and the life u've been blessed to enjoy. :) Amen! :D
Lady i would soooooo love that!! we could make soap too! :D LOL! :) *HUGS* thank you my friend :) Lorie what my Ricky's going through is just between him and I....thank u for understanding....how're u doing? what's new on your end? Miyu-chan LOL I knowwww right? :) It so is! But I love every song on there :) She and Kelly Clarkson are what I listen to when I go jogging ;)
- Nishi
Saturday, April 1, 2006
01:29 p.m.
omg! I got soaked jogging in the rain! It was AMAZING! I felt SO ALIVE! It was a warm 74 degrees and sunny when I went out for my run ;) I looked up at the sky and laughed and told God I loved Him and that I was so happy to be alive. The rain was beautiful :) I'm off to take a long shower now!
Marcia no worries :) no gf anymore :)
- Nishi
Friday, March 31, 2006
11:59 p.m.
so much to say.....the time of this entry reads 11:59 p.m. but it's actually 2:21 a.m. saturday, april 1.....I just got off the phone with ricky.......a long, heart-to-heart talk and it helped. A lot. I don't know what the future holds for he and I, but it's all in God's hands. I'm going to do what's best for me and pray for Ricky. As it is, he's not the person right now that I was in love with for 5 years and until he is again, he can't be with me nor I with him....and even if he is again, I don't know how I will feel...what will have changed, whether he and I will be able to get back what we've lost. I love him. He loves me. Very much. It will remain to be seen whether our love will be won back after all this has passed.
I went on my first date tonight with Paul from work. I had...the most amazing time. :) He was...great....we went to Queens for Indian food and afterwards he drove me to see the stars out in front of the Throgs Neck Bridge and then out to Long Beach to see the ocean/Long Island Sound ;) It was...exactly what I needed.....he likes me....a lot.... He dropped me home after midnight. It was....really great. :)
He's a racer...he knows SO much about cars and he gave me a taste of his racing skills - he has this gorgeous black car and we went down the Long Island Expressway *lightning fast* weaving between cars like crazy and I was SO turned on. I never knew speed turned me on ;) The best was when he took my hand and put it on the stick shift and taught me how to move it to 5th gear ;) He's exciting and thrilling. He likes a lot of things I like too - when he dropped me home last night I loaned him my Egyptology book....he loves Egyptian civilization - he's fascinated with their medical advancements. And he LOVES to learn. He was really interested in what I had to teach him about astronomy and everything. Did I mention he's really, really cute? :)
I've had a huge night. A lot to think about. And it's almost 2:30 a.m. and I need sleep.
- Nishi
Thursday, March 30, 2006
11:11 p.m.
strange series of events happened tonight.
my friend called to ask if I was free to go for Indian food tomorrow night. I said yes.
Ricky called and we got into a huge talk....
my sister called
Ricky called again.
and somewhere between all my crying....it melded.....
it: the crying....the sadness.....
it's still there....
but now its melded in....with a sense of acceptance....
I've accepted it. Will it still hurt? If he does what he says he will....yes, horribly. I don't know if I'll ever be able to view him the same again....I won't.....it'll be....tainted....the purity will be gone.....I don't know if I'll be able to accept THAT....move on from it.....
but i've accepted what this is. And this is how I know I have grown much more better than when I was hurt over S. I couldn't accept it back then. I came to accept it only 4.5 years later when I went through my experience with A.
I think I can move on a little easier now.
- Nishi
P.S. It's 11:11.....make a wish.
Thursday, March 30, 2006
8:22 p.m.
lost myself in Avril Lavigne on the train ride home tonight.
Slipped Away by Avril Lavigne
I miss you,
miss you so bad
I don't forget you,
oh it's so sad
The day you slipped away
Was the day I found it won't be the same
I didn't get around to kiss you
Goodbye on the hand
I wish that I could see you again
I know that I can't
I had my wake up
Won't you wake up
I keep asking why
And I can't take it
Now your gone,
Somewhere I can't bring you back
Now your gone,
There you go,
Somewhere you're not coming back
The day you slipped away
Was the day i found it won't be the same
I miss you
......I miss Ricky :( i was a sad, depressed girl at work today. Tried to hide it, didn't do that good a job cause apparently some people could tell. Sheesh. Getting over S. took me forEVER....I cried every single hour on the hour and that was 6 years ago! Now with Ricky it's just an unending ache during all my waking hours and at night, he haunts my dreams. Tears are always on the tips of my lashes.
*sigh* my parents are suspicious. I haven't told them yet that Ricky and I broke up. My dad's all 'why hasn't ricky been calling? did you guys dump each other?' The way he says 'dump' makes me smile. I don't want to tell them just yet because if Ricky and I get back together then my folks won't understand or view him well....so I'll save it, for a little longer. But as each day passes and my heart keeps breaking, I don't know how much longer I can keep hiding it.
I'm unable to move on. I still can't stop crying. Tomorrow will make it 14 days exactly.
I'm going to take a long, hot shower, give myself a manicure and pedicure and listen to music, my music, and go to sleep.
Lisa I'd LOVE to come to your wedding. I was supposed to get married next May 20, 2007 (oh well) so now my calendar is totally clear!
Marcia that sounds like fun too! :) I love all forms of dance.
Lydia *HUGS*
- Nishi
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
08:46 p.m.
home at last! went to bellydancing class tonight after work and boy did it feel great to be back! Last time I attended was last July! I found myself getting right back into the swing of things. The instructor was new and she was fun. Tons of new girls in the class I don't recognize but they were all really sweet. Had a great hour and a half session.
I'm going to bed. I know - it's not even 9pm but I'm super tired. Haven't been sleeping well since the whole Ricky thing and I really need the rest. Besides, I have court in the Bronx tomorrow so will definitely need my energy.
Good night all. *HUGS* to SB and Jade-chan.
- Nishi
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
10:33 p.m.
mmmm just got out of a long hot shower and feel fabulous. I'm wrapped in a silk robe and have plush slippers on. Went tonight to a reading/lecture by Karen Armstrong at Barnes & Nobles in Union Square. My friend Paul from work accompanied me and kept me entertained during the long wait and some of the more boring parts ;) I heard about Armstrong while listening to NPR this morning on the Brian Lehrer hour. She was speaking about religion and its effect on the world and the true message of all religions, which was 'the golden rule' - she worded it as 'don't do to others what you would not like have done to you.' She addressed the middle east violence and the issues of immigration in our country and homophobia. Some of her points were really well put - like the fact that by refraining from saying mean/hurtful things to others, you better yourself, transcend yourself....if you view things with only love for your fellow humanbeing, you become better than what you are. And that nirvana/Christ etc is inside each of us.
Was a nice night :) Long day at work....had a splitting headache by the end of the day which finally went away! Going to relax now with a magazine and rest up. See ya'll tomorrow :)
*HUGS* to Marcia, Christy, Lorie, Ramona and Kayla! Kayla, definitely see V for Vendetta!! :)
- Nishi
Monday, March 27, 2006
09:56 p.m.
V for Vendetta was an AWESOME MOVIE! Go see it! :) I adored Natalie Portman in it and it had that same magical appeal like Phantom of the Opera - masked hero who you want to love so much! Very politically conscious movie - rasied questions about how the government uses people's legitimate fears of terrorism and disease to limit their freedoms. Excellent, excellent movie.
Long day at work, had court in the Bronx. In the office tomorrow, thank goodness.
I'm so ready for spring and SUMMER. Maxed my AMEX and bought some pretty new things from Victoria's Secret - new wedge thongs for my feet to walk in, a sexy new white dress, a gold belt and a new black bikini and a new white bikini :D
What can I say....retail therapy....works wonders for a broken heart.
my new black bikini and new white bikini :D
 
2 months of kickboxing will help me fill those out nicely :)
Lydz me too babe *HUG* Lorie I'd love to discuss that sometime with u! Why aren't u ever online on AIM? :) Jade-chan thanks sweetie *HUGS* :) Azure Kaze you're such a sweetheart. Thank you! Lots of love right back.
I'm off to bed. G'night everyone.
- Nishi
Sunday, March 26, 2006
01:36 p.m.
it's a beautiful sunday afternoon here. Am writing from my sister's place in Long Island. Took the train out last night and before I boarded, got this text msg on my cell from Ricky to call asap. I called and found out that when Ricky went skydiving, his friend crashed to the ground! Ricky went into 'paramedic mode' and shouted orders to everyone and, I think, helped save the guy's life. Rick was really shaken up after that. We talked for a while. I was just glad nothing happened to him. Got to my sisters' place and Mek and Mil picked me up and we went and got food and rented JUST LIKE HEAVEN. Such a sweet movie. Made me think about Ricky a lot. Nithi (my 3rd sister) called to check up on me. I love my sisters :) I'm the oldest and have 3 younger sisters total. They're the best. Then last night, before I went to sleep, Rick called, still stressed about what happened. We talked for a long time.
Mekha jumped on Mili and I this morning and woke us up at 9am. We went to IHOP for breakfast (yummy cinnamon french toast, eggs and bacon and hot cocoa and OJ mmmmm! :)) and then to the mall where I got an awesome haircut from this guy Peter who, at first scared me with his cutting techiques (he used a razor thingamajig!!) - I always get long layers in my hair and he surpased my expectations and gave me expert layers. Looks fabulous! :) My sisters treated me to a french manicure and pedicure. :) My nails look gorgeous now. :) I'm back at their apartment now, drinking iced tea and reading Glamour and watching E! We're waiting for Mek's friend Bill to come so we can all go see 'V for Vendetta' :)
Millie :) thank you very much. Your kind words mean a lot to me. *BIG HUGS* :)
I'll see ya'll from home tonight. There's a new episode of Desperate Housewives tonight! Mek and I are gonna be on the phone together while we watch it ;) LOL! :)
- Nishi
Saturday, March 25, 2006
02:40 p.m.
:( talked to Ricky again today. I can't stop crying. The thing is - I totally understand what he's going through - I've been there, I went through it too. But it doesn't make it any easier. Doesn't make my tears stop falling. It hurts so much I want to break glass.
I've been singing this song for the past 5 minutes. I wrote it on February 9, 2002 for Ricky when we first broke up. It now fits again during this 3rd break up. It's called 'Eyes Open Wide.'
Eyes Open Wide - COPYRIGHT NISHI RAJAN 2002-2006
Edited to safeguard content.
It's time for me to get ready and get out of the house. I have to forget Ricky. It's so freakin hard but I have to. God help me. It's over. It's over.
- Nishi
Saturday, March 25, 2006
11:56 a.m.
good morning everyone :) happy Saturday! I'm still on a high from last night's performance! :) There's a slight chance it may rain or snow here but I'm not letting that keep me in! I'm heading to my little sister's place in Long Island tonight if my dad doesn't need the car tonight. Both Mek and Mil are there and I think we'll go out tonight. I wanna check out this club called TONIC in the city - tonight they're having an Indian event chock full of Indian music and videos from Bollywood. Would be good to meet the DJs and give them my cd and see if they'd be willing to spin one of my songs.
http://desiparty.com/gig/info.aspx?OID=5030 is the info flyer for the party. Looks really hot. I think I'll wear this really pretty pink flirty number I bought a while back and never wore. Perfect for dancing.
Or maybe we won't go out and maybe we'll catch a movie or rent in and make s'mores and popcorn. Who knows.
I definitely can't be home. Makes me think about Ricky too much and it's not good for my heart. He called me last night.....he was buzzed...it was so cute and adorable to hear him talking like that....still, in the end, I still cried myself to sleep. Definitely can't be home.
Maybe next weekend I'll head up to Connecticut and visit Nith.
To my dear friends and readers: Nitz, Sarah Beth, Lisa, Lydia, Miyu-chan, Caroline, Memory, Kayla, Lady, Kayla, Jade, Azure Kaze, Susan, Marcia, Millie, RMN, Lorie, Darlene, and Ramona : you guys have been rocks for me to lean on during bad times and the cheering crowd in good times. You guys are wonderful and I appreciate you so much. Nitz, SB and Lisa I'm sorry I didn't get to call you guys back. Maybe after this weekend? Tomorrow night? Give me a bit. Although it's easier for me to write about my pain over Ricky, it's hard to talk about it to friends without me breaking down and crying like heck. Everyone - thank you for your uplifting words, encouragment, praise, support.
One thing I know all women should remember - we are beautiful, amazing, powerful spirits. Never chase a man. If he's worth it, he'll come for you.
And one thing we all should remember: In relationships, both partners are only human. Hearts change. People change. Sometimes, even love isn't enough to keep two people together. Sometimes, one or the other needs/wants different things in life and the relationship is no longer able to help fulfill that need/want.
That's just the sad truth. And it breaks my heart that it happened to my Ricky. And I. Oh well. Nothing I can do. It's time to move on and live my life, no matter what. With, or without, Ricky.
- Nishi
Performance at TeaBag!
Friday, March 24, 2006
11:59 p.m.
LOL! What a totally fun place! I sang tonight there and brought in 18 of my friends and co-workers - was SO great to see them there! :) Stephanie, Sandra and kristy came, John and Kate and Jenn and Cynthia, Dean and his friend and Rob's brother came and my friend Lynne and her 3 friends from New Rochelle came! :) And Paul stopped by with his sister and our friend Sean who is to blame for Paul missing my performance! I slapped Sean a good few times ;) This guy who I was considering working with musically came by but refused to pay the cover (turned out they now charge ppl $6) and gave me an excuse and left. Gordon, Monique and Stuart and I paid that guy $200 to play drums at our gig last Monday and he can't spend $6 for my performance? Won't even give him a second thought. The people who mattered came. Dean came all the way out from Suffolk County in Long Island!! For ME!! And Jenn and Cynthia all live SO far and came out and even sweet Paul drove out to at least say hi to me! :) He's promised to take me to an Indian restaraunt for naan and good Indian food and I think I can now take him up on it! :) He's Guyanese Indian and very cute (he has a gf so don't get any ideas people ;)) - he's become a very good friend though in the past 2 months :) My friends mean a lot to me :)
The songs went over beautifully and everyone loved them! :) I'm VERY happy with the performance :) There're things that I'm going to work on for future gigs, I wanna perfect my performance style and I'm still finding out what that is! :) Wore a sexy black strapless dress and I felt great! :) I got asked out by 2 guys! I told them both I had a boyfriend even though I don't anymore as of last weekend. I'm not ready to date just yet. My friends loved the songs and the performance. I am so happy with the night. I'm gonna work harder and improve even more so that every performance is *flawless*. That's what I want. The 'gold' performance.
Kristy and I won the TeaBag Super Computer's Hotness Determination ;) We won a framed picture of us! I'll scan it in and put it up tomorrow. I just got home and am super tired. Tons to do this weekend so must rest up!
Hope ya'll had a GREAT Friday! :) I did! :)
- Nishi
Thursday, March 23, 2006
08:03 p.m.
I'm home. Now I can cry in peace.
Listening to Lifehouse. Breathing. A song I hoped Ricky and I would dance to at our wedding.
I'm finding my way back to sanity again
Though I don't really know what
I'm going to do when I get there
Take a breath and hold on tight
Spin around one more time
And gracefully fall back to the arms of Grace
I am hanging on every word you say
And even if you don't want to speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more than to sit
Outside heaven's door and listen to you breathing
Is where I want to be
Tomorrow night, I perform....one of the songs I will perform is the one I wrote last Sunday about Ricky and our break up. Called 'This Is For The Best'. I hope Rob and I can do justice to the song. It's beautiful in my head.
Tomorrow's performance is going to be emotional one for me. The first time I'll be singing without my baby supporting me - I know he'll be supporting/thinking of me...wishing me well...but it's not the same. Not the same at all. I want you Ricky. Back. But it's not gonna happen. :( So I'll sing. Sing. Sing. Cause it's what makes me, me. And what helps me to forget you and this pain.
For those of you who have been following my journal, my life, my joys and my sorrows, I hope you will join me tomorrow night and come and watch me sing and show your support. NYC. Chinatown. Teabag. 30 Mott Street at 8pm; inside Silk Road Cafe/Bar/Lounge.
I'm gonna sing all the pain away. I'm gonna forget you Ricky. Forget you.
- Nishi
Thursday, March 23, 2006
01:05 p.m.
everyone, thank you for your concern and worries. please understand that because you see me sad or venting on here, does not mean I am in the depths of sorrow portrayed 24/7. It's in that moment, that hour. we all go through varying emotions during the course of a day and week, from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows. when we're feeling most low is when we need to express ourselves somehow - either through writing, talking, creative pursuits or physical activity. Whatever will help you.
A friend said to me last night as we walked to the subway, 'you seem a lot better today' and I said 'hah, that's just an act.' I didn't elaborate that I was crying on the inside.
this morning, my ricky called me...left a txt message...I phoned back and burst into tears right there on the corner of 34th Street and ducked into a phonebooth.
I've been running the gamut of my personality all week - from super-heroine, "I can handle anything" one minute to "I want to sob and beat someone up" the next. I thought at the beginning of the week I'd be totally fine. But as I talked to him and the week wore on, I couldn't lie to myself. I had to let it out. And i vented. And good. Even today, I am smiley/happy-Nishi one minute, and on the verge of tears the next. Only my closest friends know what I'm going through. Everyone at work can tell I'm down and depressed about something. I don't wanna tell everyone that my heart got broken by the one I thought was my true love and my future husband.
James Blunt's 'You're Beautiful' is playing on the radio right now.
He told me in a text this morning that people change but that I'm the most beautiful girl in the world to him.
*sigh*
people change. why did you have to change.
It's time for me to move on and forget him. I must. Though it'll break my heart again and again to do so. I must.
I have my friends, my family, my music, my passions. Everything that is me is still there. Goodbye Ricky. Be careful skydiving. I love you.
- Nishi
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
11:19 p.m.
My Tiffany's Bracelet - (c) Nishi Rajan March 22, 2006
it was difficult taking it off
the clasp wouldn't give
almost as if it wanted to stay around my hand
I wanted it to stay too
but in the end
I was firm
and made it come off.beautiful silver chain bracelet
with the engraved heart charm
tiffany & co in tiny letters on top
NR and RV in graceful script
on either side broken clasp, which,
even though I had repaired,
still wasn't fixed as good as new
how symbolic.
Although it remained closed & secure
it sometimes caught the threads of my clothes
and if I wasn't careful, could open
with just enough pressure
and allow the link to slip through
and bracelet to fall.
That only happened twice.
Funny - we broke up twice. This time, the bracelet didn't want to let go.
beautiful little bracelet with our
initial engravings worn with time
scratched and scuffed
because I wore it every day,
you said we'd get it re-engraved
we never did.
But I still polished it
with my green tiffany's cloth and varnish
and it still shines,
like my memories. And here it ends.
At least for now.
What the future holds,
only God knows.
My bracelet, my friend and companion of almost 5 years
here we part ways
maybe, he'll put you back on me
one day
again. Or maybe, this is the 3rd and last.
And like you, I have let go, reluctantly.
Rest now, NR & RV
next to your diamond cousin
cocooned in red velvet< | | |
